As our society is continuously demonizing deep relationship connection, altering the way we talk to each other. We need to gently reconnect to how we communicate in our most important relationships – intimate.
“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ―George Bernard Shaw
Since the dawn of time we have found comfort and joy in knowing the love of another. We conceptually killed ourselves in the pursuits of love; letters sent from across the ocean, buildings built in the honor of, and songs written to showcase our passion. As a civilization, there has been nothing as important to our culture as love. The drive for love and compassion supersedes all other human needs and wants. Of recent millennia, we have sought the companionship of items looking to fill that deep void within us with something of materialistic value. The problem with this is that “things” fade away back to their origin of dust, and this we know. Therefore, our wanting for these things is rooted in feer of their departure from our life. Love is of a different nature. Love is something that is deeply shared between aligned individuals. Love is more than a scientific biochemical reaction, as argued. Love is the purest of human experiences. Something that we are privileged to have the experience of.
Communication comes in many different styles. When it comes to communication within a relationship it is the most vital component, allowing the flow of connection between two people to remain constant and without blockage. In order to harness this power within our own relationships, we need to understand a few mechanisms that make up how men and women speak to each other.
When it comes to communication, I am not simply referring to talking. In fact, 73% of all communication is nonverbal – staggering! Therefore, our first go to mechanism, i.e. talking, is most likely not the solution to an argument or relationship issue. Instead, we need to focus on throwing out our ego and listening to what the other person is saying – that is nonverbal. Swallow your ego, and allow your inner sense of things establish what is really going on in the situation. By doing this you are for-going your own needs and allowing the other person space to express themselves. After this has been done, we need to make a solid, sane, choice to meet the needs of the other person. This can be done in a variety of ways: Pre-mindset, mindset, or present awareness. With pre-mindset, you are making the choice before even entering the room that you are going to meet the needs of the other person, above and beyond what they expect or want. In mindset, you are deeply rooted in constant mindset of meeting the needs of the other person. And in present awareness, you are aware during the experience, conversation, or situation as to how you can meet the needs of the other person to the best of your ability. You can use each one of these to fit your personality or disposition. Ideally, you will use all three simultaneously.
Men and women have the innate ability to solve problems. This is a gift given to us by our brain and our progression as a species. However, we forget that not everything in life is problem needing to be solved. Unfortunately, communication within a relationship seems to fall into this category. We tend to ask a question in order to gain information about the “problem” so we can fix the problem. When, in a relationship, there is no problem to be fixed, there is simply an understanding to be reached. We wont reach this understanding if we think there is a problem to solve. Furthermore, more times than not we search for a problem just to try to fix something, simply because don’t know the answer. When we are communicating with our loved one, we need to come to the solid understanding that there is no magic formular to their happiness, simply an understanding view by us implemented.
Communication also comes in the form of actions. Have you ever heard the phrase “actions speak louder than words” ? In a relationship this can be your special edge to keeping things alive and vital. In taking action, we need to understand the correct actions to take at the right moment. This might seem like a silly nonsensical game, but isn’t your relationship worth it? There are a few actions that are universal and can be used in any situation, regardless of feel or discourse. Those include:
- Positive Reinforcement
- Soft Spoken Words
- Bonding Activities
- Long Embraces
The benefit to using any of the above mentioned actions is that you will only gain more connection by doing them. Furthermore, you will find that the information you receive from acting in such a way will give you ground for a deeper understanding of your partner.
Be clear about your emotions. Be direct in your descriptions of how you are feeling as to not confuse the other person. Make sure you aren’t trying to say something when you are saying something. Meaning, for-go hidden or implied meanings in phrases you say, this can only lead to confusion in the end. Ask yourself, “what are they trying to say?” When you reach a conclusive answer that you are sure is correct, ask. By asking you are telling the other person that you are listening and want clarification. This establishes a solid communication connection and will lead to the exchanging of what is happening internally.
Now more than ever we all need human connection. We all strive for deep human connection, looking for ways to not feel alone in this vast universe. Therefore, let’s make things simple on ourselves and strive for communication on a deep level within our relationships. Relationships aren’t tricky if you listen, release your ego, and look for ways to meet the needs of your partner.
“When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it’s a great expression of love.” -Gary Chapman, in The Five Love Languages